#fuuuuckkk I could feel how empty he really is…. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

Despite receiving your gentle warning that this was on its way… I am still absolutely FLOORED, Frau. The heartache and comfort you’ve imbued here is just… gorgeous. It’s simply perfect RadioApple. And the song was such a great choice — I had it on the whole time I was reading! 🙏🏻💖

I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for such a beautiful gift — my mind actually empties when I try to find the words to really express how much this means to me. A truly perfect gift that I was not expecting whatsoever. I promise to cherish this forever my dear, and am fully prepared to be your RadioApple partner in crime forever — THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU 🥺💖

✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧ ✧

The palace had been comfortably far away from it all, isolated. But here he was confronted by what he caused, every minute of every day, and it felt like falling over and over again to see it from so up close.

OH LUCIII I WANNA GIVE HIM THE BIGGEST HUG 🥺💖

His eyes wandered from building to building, looking but not seeing. The air was heavy with the smell of sulfur, smoke and sweat. A distant bang rang out. Lucifer swallowed, trying not to think of what it would mean if he would let his instincts take control and just take a step forward. It was futile.

BABBYYYY 🥺🥺🥺 <- he’s literally the king of hell but idc; my need to console is too strong

"Up here again, your highness?"

Alastor will never NOT take the opportunity of a double entendre but darling Lucifer is having A MOMENT 🫠

It was funny, this... thing he had with Alastor. A Push and Pull. Tide and Rise. Burning and Freezing.

OHHH MY GODDD STOP 🥲💖

To say that he liked the deer demon was... debatable. Or it would be, if their sparring wasn't so infuriatingly... freeing.

MY CHEST IS TIGHT

Alastor managed to do just that. Ignite a fire in him - at first, only anger. But still, a feeling. One so strong it made Lucifer feel really alive again, in a way he had almost forgotten.

FRAUUU I CAN’T 🫠🙏🏻✨

"So..." the radio demon started, "Aren't you gonna tell me what keeps you here every night, toiling away your mind? Or are you just enjoying to watch your humble subjects revel in their sins?"

ALASTOR YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE 😩💖

"How harsh." Alastor turned to look at him, the colors of hell's dusk reflecting in his scarlet eyes, "Granted, when you usually seek me out at night the last thing on your mind is talking."

THE WAY I JUST GASPED OMG

What should've been a one-time mistake, fueled by too much alcohol and a much needed release of the ever-growing tension with the deer demon had become a common occurrence, a bad habit, furiously hidden and kept secret.

IT KEEPS HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU’RE ENAMORED MY LOVE

The fact that he could barely stand Alastor's attitude on any given day and his unruly need to make every move he did seem condescending made things that much worse when he found himself knocking at his door in the evenings, knowing all to well the answer he would give, once the deer asked if he was here to fuck or to fight. It had been a painful and bitter pill to swallow that it wasn't, in fact, the latter, but instead they always ended up on Alastor's bed, with his ass in the air and the radio demon pounding him into the mattress until Lucifer finally found some silence and stillness, his persistent, dark thoughts stopping for the length of a few blissful seconds.

I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING FORM WORDS — MY EYES ARE WATERING OMG

"Look at me." Alastor spoke again, firm, commanding. Almost kind.

SHRIEKING

Lucifer sucked a sharp breath through his teeth as the deer walked a few paces in front of him, tilting his head slightly, putting his hand onto Lucifer's chin and forcing him to look into his eyes, pupils shining bright red against his glowing irises, "Tell me what I could already see written all over your face."

FUUUUCKKK 🫠🫠🫠

Suddenly, everything started rushing inside his mind, and his heart raced, every memory he repressed and avoided to this moment flooding to the surface, swallowing him whole. Everything was too much, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't escape, frozen in place... He almost missed the second sentence, a lot softer this time: "... Tell me what I already know."

IT’S TOO FUCKING GOOD FRAU BUT YOU KNOW THIS OHHH MYY GODDD 😭😭😭

For a terrifying moment, he thought Alastor would pull back, take his face out of his shirt, a condescending laugh and some ridiculing remark waiting for him afterwards. The grip around his shoulders said something else, as the deer demon put his arms around him, keeping him close to his chest in a such an unexpected comforting manner that somehow hurt in its unfamiliarity. It's been so long since he last found comfort and consolation, from someone...

GODDDD IT’S PERFECT — THIS IS PERFECT

His knees gave in, and he would've toppled down to the ground - but two long, slender arms held him upright, pressing his body firmly against their owner, feeling the hard, strong form of Alastor's slim figure. The heat coming from the deer demon's body felt soothing on his cheeks and the faint hum of his inherent static energy calming in his ears, drowning out the violent noises of the pentagram.

I AM RAVENOUS

His hands cramped around Alastor's forearms, teeth grinding to the point where it hurt as he struggled to breathe. But then there was a hand in his hair, long fingers softly combing through his blonde, almost golden locks, nails faintly scraping over his scalp, ending on the nape of his neck.

MY EYES STING AND MY HEART HURTS I’M GOING CRAZY

And now the weight of it crushed down on him. Hung over him like the sword of Damocles.

IMMACULATE

"Not tonight." Alastor interrupted him, tone so calm and serious, Lucifer had to look up to him, finally meeting his eyes in search for maliciousness, for calculation. He didn't find any, just a smile that seemed so much sadder than he thought. "We can resume to our inimical antagonism tomorrow, Lucifer. But not tonight. For tonight, let me be the one you find comfort in."

I’M CRYING ALASTOR OH MY GODDD I’M CRYING

But when the deer put his forehead against his own, a hand gently caressing his back, Lucifer couldn't bring himself to move away, couldn't find the strength to refuse what was offered so temptingly - ignoring the irony of it all - so he let himself lean into the touch, let Alastor guide him onto his mouth into a kiss.

GODDDDD I CAN’T BREATHEEE

The feeling of his mouth, so rough and warm against his, lips sliding inexperiencedly against his own, was almost as confusing as it was overwhelming.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF EFFORT WILL GET ME EVERY TIME OMGG THEY NEED EACH OTHER SO MUCH 🫠❤️‍🔥

"Eternity is a long time to be spent with punishing yourself for mistakes you might've made." he said, quietly, his hair slowly swaying in a sudden, warm breeze of hell's night air. "What's done is done. Regrets cannot change the course history has already written. But your daughter is adamant of taking the quill and writing a better future, and wouldn't all this time on your hands not be better spent aiding her hand as she does?”

WHY ARE YOU SO CHIVALROUS AND CORRECT??

She would have his help, along with Maggie's, and the other ones whose names always slipped his mind, but...

the levity I needed omg 🥲💖

He was an enigma, that one. He was arrogant, pretentious, manipulative, grating on Lucifer's ego and composure with a vehemence that bordered to purposeful. But he also had an astounding willpower, an unbelievable capability to change the destinies of those around him - one way or another.

SO IN LOVE I FUCKING CAN’T

And this side, this... softer side, where he, against all logic, didn't take the chance to tear him down when he found Lucifer in a weak moment, but built him up, showing a tenderness he didn't deem possible... it made his chest hurt in a way it didn't for many, many years – a sweet, aching pain he could come to crave.

FUUUCKKK 🥲🥲🥲

Lucifer grabbed the hands that were about to let go of him, already on their way to withdraw, and put them back where they rested before, pressing himself even more into the deer demons lithe body. "If you'll come with me."

YES YES YES

He didn't miss the implication, along with the underlying tone of Alastor's words, already trying to distance itself, loosing the warmth it had just minutes ago. But he just smiled at him, meeting the dimming eyes of the overlord with his own, newly ignited ones, his tail gently wrapping itself around one of Alastor's legs. Whatever this has been, he wanted to preserve it, just a little longer. And, if he could, if he would let him, return his tenderness, if only this once before they returned to the Status Quo. "No Alastor. Not tonight."

A gift for the wonderful @minkdelovely - I know you like fluff, I hope it's okay if there's a little (okay, a heaping scoop of) angst in the beginning. I recommend listening to Heavenly by Cigarettes after Sex, which was the inspiration and companion song for this! <3 Love you all!

TW: Thoughts of suicide, Dark themes - Minors DNI - 3.1k words

Lucifer stood on the edge of the roof, the sun was just setting over the horizon, tinting Pentagram city, his capitol, in all shades of red, purple and midnight blue. In between, neon signs, trash fires and gunshots sparkled throughout the streets, spreading an aura of chaos and corruption that had followed Lucifer ever since he fell.

Every night since he moved into the hotel, nearer to Charlie, nearer to the heart of the city, he came up here, staring down and thinking, sometimes for hours. The palace had been comfortably far away from it all, isolated. But here he was confronted by what he caused, every minute of every day, and it felt like falling over and over again to see it from so up close.

Every human's suffering, the result of his good intentions, the consequence of him taking that fatal step, was looking back at him now with its ugly face, as the king of sinners. Every vile and despicable creature the living world spat out was now under his dominion, and it felt harder and harder not to hate them and himself for what his big dreams and wishes for the people on earth had led to. His eyes wandered from building to building, looking but not seeing. The air was heavy with the smell of sulfur, smoke and sweat. A distant bang rang out. Lucifer swallowed, trying not to think of what it would mean if he would let his instincts take control and just take a step forward. It was futile.

"Up here again, your highness?"

Lucifer closed his eyes. The voice behind him was laced with humming static, its tone subtly condescending, something that was always present when Alastor spoke to him, even after Charlie forced a truce between them and made them both promise to be at least civil with each other.

It was funny, this... thing he had with Alastor. A Push and Pull. Tide and Rise. Burning and Freezing. Their every conversation had been a balancing act, a war for superiority disguised as banter. Still was, in a way. Both men not backing down, driving the other to their limits - in patience, in civility. To say that he liked the deer demon was... debatable. Or it would be, if their sparring wasn't so infuriatingly... freeing. After all the years of emotional numbness after Lillith had left, a numbness even Charlie wasn't able to really penetrate, Alastor managed to do just that. Ignite a fire in him - at first, only anger. But still, a feeling. One so strong it made Lucifer feel really alive again, in a way he had almost forgotten.

He didn't acknowledge the radio demon, keeping his eyes on the city, as the last light of the sun vanished beyond the skyline.

Silently, he listened to the deer's shoes, the hollow sounds of his footsteps against the roof tile, walking towards him. They stopped.

"One might assume you came up here to brood and look gloomy like a child who got scolded.", the deer said, casually, "That sure makes for a dreary and boring image."

Lucifer, still not looking back, turned his head to the left, then to the right. Shrugged his shoulders.

"Hm. Seems like nobody asked for your opinion."

Lucifer listened, as Alastor took another few steps. He was standing right next to him, arms crossed behind his back, looking straight ahead into the dark night. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, not fully amused, was playing around the edge of his mouth. The devil furrowed his brows, but refrained from looking directly into Alastor's eyes.

"So..." the radio demon started, "Aren't you gonna tell me what keeps you here every night, toiling away your mind? Or are you just enjoying to watch your humble subjects revel in their sins?"

"The fact that you know I'm up here every night makes you nothing less than a stalker, you know?" Lucifer said tonelessly, without real energy to bite back at the sinner next to him.

"I'm just doing my job as host, my liege. Keeping a close eyes on the inhabitants of the hotel and making sure they are taken care of." Alastor answered, badly hiding the mockery behind his words.

"Your concern is noted.", Lucifer sighed, sarcasm thick in the air between them, "But even if I'd wanted to talk to anyone, and believe me, I don't, you wouldn't even make the top ten on the list. So please, just... leave."

"How harsh." Alastor turned to look at him, the colors of hell's dusk reflecting in his scarlet eyes, "Granted, when you usually seek me out at night the last thing on your mind is talking."

For the first time in this conversation, Lucifer's well-kept facade crumbles. A mix of guilt and shame flashed across his pale features, and in a quick motion, his tail flicked side-to side. He remained silent.

The mention of his repeated... misdeeds with the radio demon hung in the air, almost tangibly so, the implications of it raising goosebumps on Lucifer's skin. What should've been a one-time mistake, fueled by too much alcohol and a much needed release of the ever-growing tension with the deer demon had become a common occurrence, a bad habit, furiously hidden and kept secret. As if they both needed more reason to hate and mock each other, their primal needs got in the way. The fact that he could barely stand Alastor's attitude on any given day and his unruly need to make every move he did seem condescending made things that much worse when he found himself knocking at his door in the evenings, knowing all to well the answer he would give, once the deer asked if he was here to fuck or to fight. It had been a painful and bitter pill to swallow that it wasn't, in fact, the latter, but instead they always ended up on Alastor's bed, with his ass in the air and the radio demon pounding him into the mattress until Lucifer finally found some silence and stillness, his persistent, dark thoughts stopping for the length of a few blissful seconds.

"What do you want, Alastor?", Lucifer muttered, breaking the tense silence, looking into Alastor's eyes now. He sounded tired, but he knew how persistent the overlord could be, too, and Alastor's constant stare and unmoving presence did not leave space for ignorance.

"I already stated what I want. And I really do hate to repeat myself, but I suppose for the king, I can make an exception." Alastor stated quietly, adjusting his monocle. "I'd like an answer to my question: Why do you keep coming up here?"

Lucifer furrowed his brows, before releasing a snorting laugh, lacking humor, "As if you'd really care. You just want some ammunition for another jab at me, deer."

"You dodging the question twice does not equal an answer, your majesty." Alastor retorted, closing his eyes with a strained smile, "And even though you're technically a politician, I was under the assumption that their inherent beating-around-the-bush tactics are below you. And I'd hate to be wrong about that."

Lucifer put the hands on his back to keep his tail from moving. Damn that stupid, stupid deer. He wanted to avoid this very conversation, or better said, this confrontation, by all means. He didn't want to say out loud what he could barely contain inside. So far, it seemed to work fine to keep his suffering and his weakness behind a thin veil of pretending that no, everything's fine, everything's under control, he isn't gravely depressed to a point where he...

"Look at me." Alastor spoke again, firm, commanding. Almost kind.

Lucifer sucked a sharp breath through his teeth as the deer walked a few paces in front of him, tilting his head slightly, putting his hand onto Lucifer's chin and forcing him to look into his eyes, pupils shining bright red against his glowing irises, "Tell me what I could already see written all over your face."

Suddenly, everything started rushing inside his mind, and his heart raced, every memory he repressed and avoided to this moment flooding to the surface, swallowing him whole. Everything was too much, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't escape, frozen in place... He almost missed the second sentence, a lot softer this time: "... Tell me what I already know."

Before he even realized what he was doing, Lucifer had put his head into Alastor's chest, tears blurring his vision and throat burning with a suppressed cry. Beneath them, the streets erupted into madness. There were gunshots and crashes and people fighting all around them. Nothing was alright. Nothing had been right since that fatal day when he had fallen, and never could again be. His whole life had been one big, spiraling tragedy, a sad and hopeless endeavor to achieve something that was never meant to be archived, everything he dreamed about since he was created so close and yet out of his reach.

For a terrifying moment, he thought Alastor would pull back, take his face out of his shirt, a condescending laugh and some ridiculing remark waiting for him afterwards. The grip around his shoulders said something else, as the deer demon put his arms around him, keeping him close to his chest in a such an unexpected comforting manner that somehow hurt in its unfamiliarity. It's been so long since he last found comfort and consolation, from someone...

"I'm sick of this." he whispered hoarsely into the red, much too soft fabric, unable to look back into the others piercing gaze.

"Hmm?"

Lucifer breathed in and out, his breaths sounding ragged and unsteady, trying to get back some sort of self control.

"I'm sick of all of this. I can't stand all those sinners in there, using the excuse of hell's inevitable corruption as an invitation to live their most horrible dreams, celebrating it as... success. Doing horrible, monstrous things with no fear of consequences."

His knees gave in, and he would've toppled down to the ground - but two long, slender arms held him upright, pressing his body firmly against their owner, feeling the hard, strong form of Alastor's slim figure. The heat coming from the deer demon's body felt soothing on his cheeks and the faint hum of his inherent static energy calming in his ears, drowning out the violent noises of the pentagram.

"Even with one successful redemption, the majority of them won't be leaving anyway. They won't line up in front of the hotel like Charlie believes, and I can't tell her, can't... disappoint her like that. She's so convinced, so determined, her heart's in the right place but..." Lucifer exhaled loudly, shaking, trying and failing to formulate his next words.

"... But her ideals and the reality are as different as... as hell and heaven. Fuck, I should know. I've tried before, and look what came out of it. Look what my big dreams and magnificent ideals for humans created. My big fucking legacy!" Lucifer laughed out, voice breaking, finally lifting his head from Alastor's chest to turn and face him, the movements frantic and restless, "How can I tell anyone that every day feels like torture? That every single minute in this place reminds me of my failure? Because I can never escape my fucking failures! It's everywhere! And I come up here, and look at it, and I just want to... just want to..."

He couldn't say it. He simply couldn't form the word, because if he did, if it was out in the open... what would hold him together then? His hands cramped around Alastor's forearms, teeth grinding to the point where it hurt as he struggled to breathe. But then there was a hand in his hair, long fingers softly combing through his blonde, almost golden locks, nails faintly scraping over his scalp, ending on the nape of his neck. The sensation made him draw in a breath, air filling his aching lungs. He exhaled with a shudder, sinking his head in shame.

"...Just want to... to die, Alastor. I just want to die."

It was out. He had finally said it, the confession, the admission he had withhold from them all. And now the weight of it crushed down on him. Hung over him like the sword of Damocles.

"I know. I've known it for a while." Alastor murmured, the hand in his hair still moving, "I've watched you these last few weeks. Your... condition is rather obvious to someone who pays attention."

Lucifer closed his eyes again, tired. He was so, so tired. "Let me have it, then."

The hand stilled in his hair, crackled white noise popping around him "Have what?"

"The ridicule. The mockery, the scorn... all of it. I know you think I'm pathetic, I can't wait to hear about you gloating how right you..."

"Not tonight." Alastor interrupted him, tone so calm and serious, Lucifer had to look up to him, finally meeting his eyes in search for maliciousness, for calculation. He didn't find any, just a smile that seemed so much sadder than he thought. "We can resume to our inimical antagonism tomorrow, Lucifer. But not tonight. For tonight, let me be the one you find comfort in."

Alastor's words were so... unlike him, so gentle and careful, the complete opposite of what he was used to from him. Lucifer didn't know how to feel about that. But when the deer put his forehead against his own, a hand gently caressing his back, Lucifer couldn't bring himself to move away, couldn't find the strength to refuse what was offered so temptingly - ignoring the irony of it all - so he let himself lean into the touch, let Alastor guide him onto his mouth into a kiss.

In all those times they've never kissed before. There had been no room nor reason for him for something as sentimental as kisses. Lucifer just sneaks to Alastor's door, gets fucked until he can barely walk anymore, and leaves unseen before anything other than a shameful look and a nod can be exchanged. The feeling of his mouth, so rough and warm against his, lips sliding inexperiencedly against his own, was almost as confusing as it was overwhelming.

Alastor pulled him back, separating them both, and Lucifer's lips, now moist and burning, were already missing the touch. The radio demon tilted his head at him with hooded eyes, before he turned to look over the darkening city again.

"Eternity is a long time to be spent with punishing yourself for mistakes you might've made." he said, quietly, his hair slowly swaying in a sudden, warm breeze of hell's night air. "What's done is done. Regrets cannot change the course history has already written. But your daughter is adamant of taking the quill and writing a better future, and wouldn't all this time on your hands not be better spent aiding her hand as she does?”

The silence between them hung heavy and thick as Lucifer waited to answer, collecting his words, voice raw.

"As if I can make a difference. I'm no better as a dad than I am as a king."

A strange, foreign expression formed on Alastor's sharp features, looking pensive, almost vulnerable in an uncharacteristic way. It disappeared as fast as it came, however, leaving his grin to shine bright in the shadows of hell's dusk.

"Then become one. Use the time she is willing to offer to earn it. Charlie hasn't given up on you, not as her father nor as a ruler. Shouldn't you reciprocate the sentiment?" he asked, his expression as inquisitive as it was reassuring.

Lucifer stared at him with wide eyes. Alastor wasn't wrong. Charlie hadn't given up on him, or anything in general. Her resolve was unbreakable, and it seemed to be exactly what this place needed. A dreamer, fiercely defending her ideas, fighting to better what was broken. And if he stood behind her, she, unlike him all those centuries ago, wouldn't fight alone. She would have his help, along with Maggie's, and the other ones whose names always slipped his mind, but... maybe with Charlie... maybe there was a way, maybe it wasn't all hopeless...

A small flame of hope ignited inside his chest, flickering and faint but warming his being. All this time he spent trapped inside his memories, too caught up in the past he forgot the future was right there, already blooming under Charlie's hand. And he was present to not only see it, but to be part of it, if he would let go of what was already long lost, and learning to see the light of what was not yet burnt down to ashes.

"Yeah." he croaked, wiping away the remnants of his dried tears from his cheeks, a tiny grin on his lips as he leaned his head back onto Alastor's warm, firm chest, glancing over the nights sky, heaven glowing in burning white in the far distance. "Yeah. Maybe you're right. What are the odds?"

"You'd be surprised. I tend to be right about most things, actually."

Lucifer watched Alastor from the corners of his eyes, letting his gaze wander over his sharp features and never-faltering grin that was now drawn into a softer, closed-lipped smile.

He was an enigma, that one. He was arrogant, pretentious, manipulative, grating on Lucifer's ego and composure with a vehemence that bordered to purposeful. But he also had an astounding willpower, an unbelievable capability to change the destinies of those around him - one way or another. He had no qualms about running his mouth to him to the point where Lucifer had to keep his angelic form to overtake him and blow him into oblivion, when hours later he also had no ne to bend him over his bed and wordlessly fill him to the brim with his cum. And this side, this... softer side, where he, against all logic, didn't take the chance to tear him down when he found Lucifer in a weak moment, but built him up, showing a tenderness he didn't deem possible... it made his chest hurt in a way it didn't for many, many years – a sweet, aching pain he could come to crave.

"It's getting quite late." Alastor said, breaking him out of his train of thought, his hands now resting on his lower back, "You should retreat to your quarters now."

Lucifer grabbed the hands that were about to let go of him, already on their way to withdraw, and put them back where they rested before, pressing himself even more into the deer demons lithe body. "If you'll come with me."

Alastor rose a brow, his expression slightly hardening, "So we're done talking now, your highness?"

He didn't miss the implication, along with the underlying tone of Alastor's words, already trying to distance itself, loosing the warmth it had just minutes ago. But he just smiled at him, meeting the dimming eyes of the overlord with his own, newly ignited ones, his tail gently wrapping itself around one of Alastor's legs. Whatever this has been, he wanted to preserve it, just a little longer. And, if he could, if he would let him, return his tenderness, if only this once before they returned to the Status Quo.

"No Alastor. Not tonight."